Dating Guide

Part Three: Where Does Love Come From?

• 2026.09.19

"Where does love come from?" I've heard this question countless times in my consulting practice. Some say it's fate, some say it's chemistry, some say it's compatibility of conditions. But in my view, love is neither a miracle that falls from the sky nor a product of careful calculation.

Love comes from three places.

I. Love Comes from "Being Seen"

A True Story

There was a woman who met a man through our agency. For the first three months, their conversations weren't particularly "passionate"—no sweet talk, no romantic confessions. But one thing left a deep impression on her: she had casually mentioned once that she was afraid of the dark as a child. Two months later, during a video call, he suddenly asked: "Are you still afraid of the dark? I sent you a little night light."

She said: "In that moment, I suddenly felt that this person truly 'sees' me."

The starting point of love is being seen. Not being seen for your beauty, wealth, or status, but being seen for your inner self—your vulnerabilities, your longings, your uniqueness.

In international dating, language may fail, but "seeing" needs no translation. A person who understands your silence is more precious than one who only knows sweet words.

In psychology, there is a concept called the "need to be seen"—one of humanity's deepest psychological needs. When you are truly seen, you feel understood, accepted, and cherished. That feeling is the seed of love.

II. Love Comes from "Giving"

A Counterintuitive Truth

Many people believe love is the result of "receiving." But the truth is: love comes from "giving."

In psychology, there is the "Benjamin Franklin Effect": the more you give to someone, the more you love them. Because your giving makes you realize: this person is worth it.

In cross-border love, those who are willing to learn their partner's language, adjust their schedule, and adapt to a new culture often love more deeply. Not because they receive more, but because they give more.

But note: giving is not the same as people-pleasing. Healthy giving is voluntary, has boundaries, and expects nothing in return. People-pleasing giving is forced, has no bottom line, and expects回报. The former lets love grow; the latter suffocates it.

III. Love Comes from "Growing Together"

A Moving Image

I once knew a cross-border couple who had a habit: every wedding anniversary, they would write a letter together titled "What Kind of Person Did You Help Me Become This Year?"

Ten years, ten letters. From the earliest "You taught me how to cook Chinese food," to later "You taught me to listen first in conflict," to "You taught me what unconditional love is."

Love is not static—it needs to grow. When you go through difficulties together, solve problems together, and become better people together, love deepens through that growth.

Every cultural conflict, every misunderstanding resolved, every reunion after time apart in a cross-border relationship is nourishment for love.

Where does love come from? From the moment you are willing to see your partner, from the thought of giving to them, from the day you both choose to grow together.

Love is not found—it is created.

Action Checklist for Love

Do one thing this week: truly "see" your partner—observe their emotions, needs, and changes

Do one thing this month: make a "troublesome for yourself" gesture of giving to your partner

Do one thing this year: learn a new skill or culture together with your partner